Upperclassmen Share Applicable Advice for Survival

In honor of April Fool’s, The Mustang has gathered multiple submissions of satire pieces from various English and writing courses simply for the purpose of laughter and enjoyment. The opinions expressed in these pieces may be perceived as controversial but are portrayed in a light meant to be funny and are not meant to be taken seriously. The opinions in these pieces may not reflect the views of those on The Mustang staff or the MHS community.
The satirical cartoons were produced by Junior Christopher Schwaar.

Always Do Homework, No Matter What

The key to success in high school, of course, is homework.

When it comes to successful time management, homework should at least be taking up 90 percent of your time. Seeing as how you’ll be receiving so much homework once you finish school and enter the workforce, it’s no surprise that homework is the most crucial part of your grade.
Therefore, we have some pieces of advice that should benefit many students in their expedition through high school, and more importantly, through the completion of homework.

First, staying up all night for the sole purpose of completing homework is a must. Who actually needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak.
The countless hours that you spend doing homework every night will prove to be rewarding. When you show up to class with your completed assignment, you will be overjoyed when you receive ten participation points for your efforts. Even though you will be exhausted, it is worth the A in the gradebook. Worst comes to worst, the teacher just won’t put it in the gradebook. But hey, a little sleep deprivation never killed anybody, right?
Prioritizing is another important skill you learn in high school. If you have your priorities straight, you know, then, that homework is at the top of the list. Homework should be atop both your school and life agendas.
If your friend invites you to a weekend at his family’s lake house, reject the offer. You could go and make memories that will last a lifetime, but your one essay for English, two chapters of psychology notes and three pages of calculus problems should always come before your social life.
If it’s your birthday and your family wants to take you out to dinner, reject the offer. There’s nothing like celebrating with a lab report for biology rather than blowing out the candles on your birthday cake with those you love.
If you’re invited to join a sport or club at school, reject the offer. Colleges and employers aren’t looking for well-rounded students; they’re looking for the kids who did all their homework.
I think it’s safe to say we’ve gotten our point across. Hopefully, these pieces of advice will help guide you throughout your four years of high school, and you’ll do all your homework assignments perfectly, no matter the circumstances.
These instructions, should you choose to follow them, will help increase your stress levels, eliminate your social life and improve your overall high school experience.

 

Advice to Boys Guarantees Graduation

Freshmen boys, as most of you know, you are about to enter a new chapter in your life. You are about to embark upon new challenges, some pertaining to high school, and some to your social life.
Don’t worry, though, you’ve got this. Listen to these tips, and you’ll be on your way to graduation in four years with no problems.
The first and most important rule you must follow is to hit the gym.
Got hours of homework and studying to catch up on?
First off, this shouldn’t even be on your mind. Why would you want to study for a test that you will get at least a C on without the extra work? Use this valuable time to work out because the girls will dig it. Do you really think that the first-ranked member of your graduating class is going to be more successful than you?
If you struggle in math, I’ll sum it up for you. Think about this: you’ll be at the beach looking like Hercules while he’s studying to become a doctor and stressing himself out. Is that the life you want to have?
Once you’ve completed the first step toward success, you are ready for step two. Plain and simple: get yourself a girlfriend. Once you have a girlfriend, you’ll be the “hot topic at school.”
According to a new survey from the “Washington Post”, freshmen boys who have a girlfriend will live an average of 10 years longer than the nerd that studied all day.
Once you have the girlfriend, it is crucial that you display your non-existent affection toward your significant other throughout the halls of MHS. There are many subtle ways you can achieve this, one being holding hands and looking deeply into each other’s eyes and laughing while causing a major halt in traffic. Don’t worry about being tardy; your education is not nearly as important.
Now you have learned how to get through high school in the slickest way possible. In the end, your grades may not be at the highest level, but you will leave behind your legacy.
After all, high school is a time for abstract thinking and exploring new ways to become the coolest kid. Use your four years wisely because you never know, your future might depend on it.

 

Quitting Leads to Ideal Work-Life Balance

Hey, MHS, finals week is almost here, and you’re all probably super stressed. As a result, we felt the need to share some words of encouragement that we know you’ve all been yearning to hear: give up!
Here are a few tips to get you started on the path toward the lifestyle that will reinvigorate your entire being!
At the beginning of the semester, your mindset was most likely “new year, new me”. However, there are alternatives to this mantra that can still improve your well-being.
First of all, hydration is key. You’re probably losing gallons of water in your body due to endless crying over honors and AP classes.
In addition, your solid foods diet needs to be on par, too. You can’t fall off the wagon of healthy eating so early in the year!
To achieve this, buy the organic substitutes of your favorite unhealthy foods. That way, it’s totally acceptable when you eat the whole pint of ice cream.
It’s proven that the habits you create in your teen years are the ones you’ll carry throughout the rest of your life. All the more reason to stick with unhealthy amounts of organics!
Most importantly, stress-eating is your new best friend. What else is going to get you that “A” if you’re not keeping busy while pulling all-nighters?
Plus, if you really want to be a health nut, try veganism! This is another great way to punish yourself in life, right behind piling on more difficult classes and extra-curriculars.
For most of you, the Freshman 15 is a ways away, but why not just embrace it now? With the grades you’re expecting, who knows if the freshman year of college will even be an option.
If you want to display your efforts, go ahead and get one of those $300 gym memberships (but never actually use it).
Get a friend to hold you accountable to your fitness goals, including, but not limited to: lifting the weight of your failures, walking to the pantry in under a minute and crying the carbs away.
Also, showing results online is all the rage these days, so brush up on those Photoshop skills, so you can showcase all of your “progress”.
As a highly triggered group of teens, we need to value mental health as well. Always make sure to stand up for yourself and say no (to those workout invites), relieve stress (crying burns calories!) and live deliberately (with a purpose I’m not too sure of). With all this, just keep in mind that you’re making the right choices that will lead to your future happiness!
We hope that you consider this advice– We can’t be sure, but we think these tips will yield major boosts in your overall happiness in high school. We know we’ve made balancing life seem pretty simple, but it’s only something to aspire to even though few will achieve it.
Remember: When the going gets tough, just give up.

SAT Test Stress Equals Wrong Solution

Standardized tests are the equivalent of someone giving you a penny and then taking it away, useless.
These tests have absolutely nothing to do with your future. Papers– that’s all they are. Teachers emphasize these types of tests, like the SAT, but really it won’t affect any of your lives at all.
And all anyone has to do to prepare themselves is to not even study for it. What point is there to studying for a test that can basically determine whether you make it in life or if you’re going to spend the rest of your life in a box, right?
If I can get a 12 out of 12 on a BuzzFeed quiz to tell me what kind of bread I am, then getting an average score of 1083 on the SAT should be a piece of cake.

When it comes to the Math section, who needs to know how to solve any problems, such as finding the answer to cos[tan-1(ab)]based on the angle measures of a triangle?
Preparing for such a task by taking notes and asking questions in math class is a waste of time; it’s not like you’re going to come across something like this in your daily life– not even those students who plan to work in fields like engineering, architecture and other professions that totally affect our lives.

Then there are the reading and writing sections; it’s not as if most of the world learns to communicate through some form of reading or writing, so there is no need to practice in English classes on how to write a well-written essay or learn how to annotate a prompt.  There aren’t any jobs that require things like a resume or a well-written, detailed report.
Therefore, students have no need to study for this kind of test. If it has no meaning to you whatsoever, why bother?
Preparation toward this test is absolutely not necessary and will not affect the outcome of the scores at all.
You’ll see that getting an average score of 1083 is the easiest thing to achieve with no studying whatsoever.